Probably why I’m still up. Well, I guess it is all this stress and what not because I am NOT pregnant. (Thank god.)
Now, that’s off of my chest, on to more pressing things that seem to be illuminating my mind as I try to sleep (Besides this storm outside. It is nice to have a good storm though, finally.) I have been so wrapped up in my head that I just noticed tomorrow (or today, rather) is Thursday! Alreadyyy. This week has flown by for me. Probably because I have literally slept half of it away, and depression tends to make my days sort of fade together. You see, though, that means that this trailer we are moving into should be ready to actually get all of our stuff in tomorrow or the next day and I just cannot wait.
You know the first thing I’m going to do when we get all our crap in there? Clean. When we get it all in it’s place? Clean, again. And then go grocery shopping for real food. I have just been going crazy in this tiny apartment with every thing scattered around, dirty, no food, and what little food we do have.. no way to cook it. Sigh.
I know you’re probably thinking, “Why did she pack so early?” WELL GOOD FRIENDS I WILL ENLIGHTEN YOU.
Back in mid-June the people we bought the tralier from said it would be ready in two weeks (from then). Which would have been July 1st. We have to be out of this apartment by August 1st. So I’m pretty ready to just move, plus we are moving to another city about 30 minutes away so I wanted everything neatly in boxes and didn’t want to have to rush. Well it’s crunch time, couple days before July 1st and these mother fuckers say it’s not ready yet. BUT IT WILL BE… the weekend of July 4th. Okay, so I won’t unpack anything. (I have had everything packed since the last week of June.) So I pack more stuff, like our towels, everything in our pantry and I leave some cans of green beans, corn, and things in our fridge to eat. We didn’t buy any groceries because we didn’t want to risk them going bad or getting beaten up on the drive.
Well here it is July mother-fucking 11th and we have been living in a cramped, box-filled, becoming more dirty by the day tiny apartment for almost a month.
I am an extremely clean and tidy person. I hate having things out of place for more than a day or two and can’t stand it when things are dirty. And I just quite literally haven’t been able to clean because there is no point. I can’t put up anything. It’s just been awful.
Drinking 4 days last weekend hasn’t helped my mental game either. Plus the dirtiness, the stress of the move, our money troubles, me with no job, the pregnancy scare, the fact I feel like a total fat ass for eating this bullshit that’s been left here, or fast food….
Things are finally coming to a close, here in this city. I’m excited to be moving, and meeting new people and being in a new place and finding new places and new things. This is a nice fresh start in a place we can actually say is ours and I’m just so ready to start. Start getting this debt taken care of, and planning for things we want to do. To get my life back on track and start working out and taking better care of myself, and eating better, and ahhh I just have such high hopes for this year to come. I want to change a lot. Myself, really.
I’m tired of hating myself, and thinking I’m some shit person, when I’m really not. I just need to get that through my thick skull. I will. For me the mental comes a lot from the physical. I’m in no way obese, or even that overweight, but I know if I don’t start treating myself better I’ll never actually feel better.